In my last post, I shared with you that in January 1996 my son, Alan, died. In the blink of an eye my life forever changed and it would never again be the same. No one has influenced my life in a way that promoted growth and change in me as much as my son. Today, August 16th, would be his 41st birthday and naturally my thoughts turn toward him. The following letter was written in memory and honor of Alan.
I find myself thinking of you often. I miss your presence in my life and your big hugs. I miss your love and your laughter. I miss the sound of your voice as you would say, “I love you, Mom,” and I miss seeing your foot prints in the carpet. Oh, Alan, how I long to see your face!
In life you gave me much joy and in your death I have known great sorrow. In the first moments after you died I fully understood how utterly helpless and powerless I truly am. I had a gut-wrenching pain and sorrow like no other. In an instant my world stopped and I thought I would die.
Within hours of your death I find myself alone, I walk into my closet, I collapse on the floor, I curl up in a fetal position, and I scream, and I scream. I find myself screaming out to God, this God I have believed in and trusted my entire life. Yet, for the first time, I felt tested in ways unlike any I had known. Everything was spinning out of control and I felt shaken to my core.
I began to give God everything, I gave Him all of me and I gave Him all of you. I begged Him to do for me what I knew I could not do for myself. I had no idea how I was going to get up off the floor much less how I was going to live out the rest of life. How was I to live each second, minute, hour, days, weeks, months and years that were to follow?
At the time, I did not understand what I was asking God, or even what I was screaming about–I only knew I did not know how to survive and God had to do it for me. I began letting go of my need for control and trusted God and Him alone.
Son, because of you I am facing my fears. I am learning fear is the opposite of love–we live from fear or we live from love. I can now see others with love and not fear or judgment.
I have shed one false-self after the other removing my masks and false-faces. I no longer have walls around me locking God and others out. I now know incredible joy and I enjoy my relationships with others to the fullest.
I am learning how to receive what is truth and discard those things that are lies. I stay in the present and do not mentally and emotionally come and go when things get too hard to bear. I fully experience life where before I only survived.
In the years since you have been gone, I have discovered and learned to receive God’s incredible unconditional love, and I know my value and worth as someone chosen by Him. I am able to receive His grace and tender mercy, and enjoy intimate, authentic relationship with Him and others.
Because of you, son, I have allowed God to bring healing and restoration to my wounded and broken heart. He has filled my heart with praise, turned my ashes into beauty, and my mourning into joy.
Alan, my son, to you I am eternally grateful for through you came my greatest gifts.
On our journey through life many will enter into our journey with us becoming apart of our story. Some will come and stay–some will come and go–and some will impact our lives in such a way we are forever changed.
P.S. It is my heart’s desire that in sharing my story others will see whether it is spiritual, physical or emotional, at some place in time, we all need healing and restoration. My prayer is it will point all toward Jesus, the Healer and Restorer, of our spirit, body & soul. We do not live as those without hope. We have a hope and we have a future. Jeremiah 29:11
The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”
planted by God to display his glory. Isaiah 61 The Message
Contact: Kiki @ DancingWithGod@charter.net